Consistency Works like Magic for Parenting

The need for consistency in parenting cannot be over-emphasized. You need to be consistent in what you say and do, and you need to be consistent between the two of you.

Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your children to manipulate you and play one parent off another. But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent has no interest in improving his/her parenting style?

See, if these suggestions will help:

First of all, make a plan in advance about how you would like to deal with particular situations. This will help you crystallize your own thoughts and put things in perspective.

The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by doing what you have already planned.

Otherwise you will act out of habit, which can be quite detrimental to the purpose and the child. For example, you will lose your temper on one occasion and react differently the next time in a similar situation. This sends confusing signals to the child who doesn’t know what exactly to do.

You need to be clear about what is important and what is not. Then focus your attention on battles that are worth fighting and ignore the others. Remember, you cannot enforce rules on everything; you need to allow some freedom to the child especially if it doesn’t reflect poorly on the behavior.

For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don't tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can’t expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.

Now this reveals a great deal about your relationship as a couple. This is the area where you need to work on your relationship. Make sure that you discuss the children calmly and rationally, rather than use them as pawns in some kind of power games between you.

You don't even have to agree on everything - as long as you agree to disagree. But even when you disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front of the children. If your partner has said NO you must say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also back you up.

If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one parent to the other and get what they want.

So, once again, the key to consistency between parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a parenting book together and then discuss it.

But if you simply cannot agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations, what then?

In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner to do the same.

The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for.

This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap between you is reduced the better it would be, otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more consistent for the children.

If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can become so bad that one parent will completely destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to think seriously about your relationship and what to do about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will fall in your own estimation.

Remember, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got... if you want something to change, YOU will have to do something about it. Don't keep waiting for someone else to change first.

Article Source: http://www.a1-articledirectory.com

Dr. Noel Swanson is an expert contributor to Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems.
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