How to setup clear guidelines for your kids when you are divorced

Even when married it isn't always easy to be the best of mentors for the children, so you can imagine that it doesn't get any easier if and when parents split up. Alas, it can be considered even more of a challenge when you need to "sleep with the enemy", metaphorically speaking, of course. As in any relationship, children should come first, and for their sakes parents, married or not, need to agree on certain guidelines for the future upbringing of their offspring. Adopting an attitude of indifference or playing the injured party in a pending divorce just doesn't wash, and it will have dire consequences for all concerned further down the road, if that's the way one parent chose to go. Kids of today, and not just teenagers, catch on quick and if they sense a split in the parental ranks, as far as rules are concerned, they will pick the rules that will benefit them most. This will be possible, because you will have handed them the opportunity on a silver platter and you both will lose control. The real loser will be a disturbed child, or children.

So, call a cease-fire and raise the white flag for a short while and talk to your ex-partner about setting up clear guidelines for the children. That is the only agenda on the table at this particular meeting, nothing else. Develop temporary amnesia and forget about the whys and what fors that caused you to break up and put your heads together with one united goal in mind - that of securing the best conditions for the continued parenting of your children. It isn't really that difficult, but then again, it's as difficult as you want it to be. If you can't agree on certain points, that's really okay, but you must compromise. This is not about you, so remember that.

For example you may find that you really do want to establish a set rule relating to bed time at both homes. This way your children will be in a set routine and it is easier for them to adjust to the various changes that take place when they move from one home to the next. However, you may decide that you don't let the kids have food in their rooms at home but your ex spouse does. That is a rule that can be different for each household.

Curfews are definitely one rule that you should unquestionably have in place for both homes. Because, if you don't your kids, quite naturally will start to spend a great deal more time with the parent who affords them the most freedom. This is not because your child loves one parent more than the other, it is just human nature to behave that way. If it does happen to you, remember it is nothing personal. However, this can escalate into something a lot more serious, both for the parent who feels deserted, and even more so for your child further down the road.

The new guidelines are just that - guidelines. Should it be necessary to change a rule or two, then do so. However, it is paramount that it is done in agreement and not just do it single handily. Only involve the children when you have reached an agreement on any rules, and if necessary explain to the kids why you both thought it necessary to make any changes. If the kids are old enough to understand, it is crucial to tell them why some rules have been changed, or why others have been made. This way they don't feel that they are just pawns in a game and they will accept and understand that mom and dad still make the rules together. So, don't shoot yourselves in the foot..!

Sometimes those rules will be in the favor of the children. For example you may be giving them a later bed time or curfew due to being responsible and getting older. Others may tighten the reigns somewhat such as limiting TV or video game time. It will depend on what issues you are facing with your own children.

Your marriage may have failed, but that doesn't mean you have failed as a parent. You as a person and a parent cannot fail unless you quit..! So don't do what most divorcees do and start beating yourself up with guilt about the kids being caught up in the divorce. If you do, you will shed a tear and give your kid an extra inch here and permission to do this and that and before you know it, your child knows no boundaries and he doesn't know what is expected of him any longer and this is where the going gets tougher. If you fall into this self pity trap, you will regret it for a long time to come. Give your child rules and state your expectations and make boundaries for your kids. Sure, he'll rebel at first but once it sinks it that you have made a decision and that you are sticking to it, all will be well on the home front. I know, I have been through this and have witnessed both ends of the scale.

Don't ever twist the rules that the both of you agreed were to be valid for both households. Doing so will be at your own peril..! And it's guaranteed to cause more trouble than it's worth. Your former partner will find out about it and they'll most probably retaliate in no uncertain terms and any goodwill you guys had will be out the window. Something will be said, then one word will lead to another ..... does that ring any bells? If not, it should! Initially, you may have innocently thought that you would gain more affection from your children if you allowed them to stay out later than what you had agreed. But think again - kids will respect you a heck of a lot more had you held fast in the original plan.

As a divorcee, setting up crystal clear rules for children is a crucial step in pacifying everyone. However, if you don't understand the importance of this, you'll soon discover that there are disputes and conflicts just waiting to explode in your face. Don't allow a major power battle to be the consequence of a broken promise.

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Divorce is a costly matter and not just in financial terms. Author Vivienne Myatt offers advice to divorced moms and dads in what she hopes will be considered as helpful advice. The percentage of single divorcees is increasing and sometimes help can seem a long way away, so hopefully, this will help someone, somewhere.

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