My Son Is Terribly Shy, What Can I Do To Help Him?

Q. "My 7 year old son suffers with extreme shyness, in fact he will hardly talk to anyone outside of the family. What can I do to encourage him?"

A. Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, that does not mean that they cannot overcome their fears and anxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, and build from success to success.

Look for things he likes to do and is good at. This will build self- confidence. He will also have more things to talk about. If you can find things for him to do, involving others, better still. Don't force him to do anything, but also don't make it easy for him to get out of it. A lot of time children will say they don't want to do something, even when they know inside that they'll have a great time.

Set up some social activities for him that will also turn out to be learning experiences. Start with something easy and work up from there. An example might be a movie "date" with a friend. They can have fun sharing a common experience, yet don't even have to talk.

Begin by planning easy and structured activities with not very many people. As he becomes comfortable interacting with his friends, then try a more challenging event. Be sure you set levels at which success is a sure thing. That way everyone will be up for doing it again.

Make sure these social occasions involve activities that he likes. If he likes computer games, invite some friends (one for the first time, then more) to come over and play them together. They will start talking about the games as they play.

When you visit adults, you can lead the conversation by telling of your son's latest exploits on his computer game. Allow him to correct you on details, or to fill in on the intricacies of beating the Bad Boss on level 4. You could prime the adults with suggestions about what to talk about.

If he won't respond, don't make excuses for him and never force him to talk. Let him talk, or not talk, as he chooses, and then live with the consequences of his choice. However, you will have more success in getting him to talk if you draw him into conversations with open ended questions such as "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion in the first place?". Avoid putting him on the spot with closed questions that demand a one word answer, or that are about subjects he dislikes or finds difficult.

It will take time, but your son will find confidence in talking and being around people. Gradually, he'll take more chances and talk about things he isn't so sure of. If you help him to make talking fun, then he'll do it more. Conversely, if it's hard or embarrasses him, then he'll do it less.

Don't reinforce his vision of himself as "shy". If you call him that, he won't believe he can change. It could become an excuse used to get out of interacting with others. Build on his positive attributes by reminding him that he is kind, gentle, polite, and so on.

It will take a while, but if you keep being positive with him, he will come out of his shell.

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