Parenting Advice: Children Who Lie

Nothing creates adult anger like children lying. It's ironic since it's usually adults who set the child up to lie. This is how it works:

Greg's mother just found out that Greg was throwing rocks at somebody:

"Greg, what have you been up to this afternoon?" [What, you expect me to confess if you don't know?]

"Like what? I haven't been doing anything", he says innocently and looked a bit confused.

Were you throwing stones at the new girl?" [Maybe there's still hope I can pull this off.]

"No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing.

"Interesting, since Mavis said you did."

"Well it wasn't me, it was some other kid." [Surely she will believe her son before a neighbour!]

"She seems pretty sure it was you."

"She's crazy, it wasn't me!"

During the first exchange, Mum is tempting Greg to lie, and when he does she has him cornered. Now it's showdown time. Does she have total confidence in Mavis? Now Mum is having some doubts and doesn't quite know how to proceed. Greg is being insistent, so maybe it was another kid. If she chooses to believe him, she'll have to apologize for not believing him in the beginning. If she doesn't believe him, she will have two strikes against him; lying and throwing rocks.

Just about any child will lie to avoid getting into trouble with an authority figure. As a parent, you need to be the one to encourage honesty and truth. Part of doing this is to let him know the benefits of truth-telling. Lay a strong foundation of truth and honesty in your family. Don't ever lie yourself. Start looking for honesty and truthfulness. Keep talking about the importance of building a solid reputation. Also, notice and reward your child when he is honest. Continue to show that honesty is a Good Thing, and will reap rewards.

If you do suspect them of lying or some other bad deed, don't lose your temper.

If you already know what they did, don't ask, "What did you do?" That's just tempting them unfairly. Tell them what you already know and what the consequences will be.

On the other hand, you can invite them to tell you the truth. This is how it might be done:

"Hi Greg, I was talking with Mavis this afternoon, and she told me about something that she saw. I would like to hear your version. Why don't you go away and think it over for 15 minutes. Don't forget how much we value honesty in our home."

Greg now has time to calm down and decide whether to dig himself in deeper, or to cut his losses and come clean. If he confesses, praise his honesty. If, after this, he still lies, then it is double the punishment, once for lying and once for the "crime".

When things quiet down, sit down with Greg and talk about what feelings may have led up to the incident. Maybe he was angry, envious, or insecure. Tell him that those feelings are natural and okay to feel, but that still doesn't excuse behaving badly. Be patient with him. He won't be willing to talk with you until he knows that you aren't' going to get excited and yell at him.

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