Parenting Tips: What To Do When You're Told, "You're not my Dad!

Q. "Five years ago my son's father left us. I am now remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the discipline. We've been married for three years and Nathan won't do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I change this?"

A. Adults know that problems between spouses cause divorce and any lingering negativity. Children on the other hand, often blame themselves when their parents don't have a succeed at marriage. Nathan undoubtedly feels like his dad abandoned him and not you. Those feelings will be reinforced if his dad visits rarely or not at all. This leaves Nathan feeling guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may even be afraid that you will leave too.

This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!

It could even be the case that Nathan really liked David before you two married. He just had boyfriend status then. He was fun to be around and wasn't bossy. Now he acts like he owns the whole place.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.

Let Nathan know that you are aware of his resentments, and confusion, and anger. Reassure him that David will never take his dad's place. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to love and miss his dad, even though you don't. Just be matter-of-fact about why you divorced and don't drag the kids into any parental battles.

At the same time, be clear about the fact that David is here because you love him and asked him to join your family. Tell Nathan that you don't love him any less and that he can like David without betraying his own dad.

Finally, you must make it clear to Nathan that David now has parental authority in your family. What David says goes. Don't let Nathan come to you trying to discount any decision David has made. If you happen to disagree with David on some issue, address it in private. It's important that you stand by him in public. Nathan has to see and hear that you and David are of one mind, and that you will always back David fully.

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Dr. Noel Swanson runs a very interesting website on child behavior, so if you could do with some tips for dealing with your children it might be worth a visit. Also find more parenting articles here. ~ai586
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