Self-Confidence: What Is It And How Do I Get Some?

Self-confidence is an outlook that is learned through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.

For example: A young man wants to be a prizefighter, so he takes lessons, and gets a manager. His manager will not put him into the ring until he has built up enough stamina and skill. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a challenger that he knows his fighter can crush. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain a feeling of confidence in his fighting skills.

With each engagement, the manager puts his warrior up against a challenger who is only a little bit better of a opponent then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young competitor begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to increase. This series of events continues to repeat itself. And as long as the competitor wins, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to increase.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even if an individual has true self-confidence, it doesn't mean that they will be successful at everything. Most people who have true self-confidence have attainable expectations. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People, who are not self-confident, tend to depend unreasonably on the agreement of others in order to feel self-esteem. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They often belittle themselves and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.

Conversely, secure people are willing take a chance on disappointing others because they generally rely on their own aptness. They accept themselves; and they do not feel that they have to conform in order to be accepted.

Just because a person feels self-confidence in one or more aspects of their life, doesn't mean that they will feel confident in every part of their life. For example, a person might feel confident about their musical ability, but not feel confident where members of the opposite sex are involved, such as in a dating situation, or social relationships.

HOW IS SELF-CONFIDENCE INITIALLY DEVELOPED?

Many phenomena affect the maturation of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are revalent to the way children think about themselves, especially when they are very young. When parents provide acceptance, children receive a great basis for seeing themselves in a positive light. If one or both parents are disproportionately critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior.

However, if parents encourage a child's moves toward self-reliance, and they are not overly critical when the child makes mistakes, the child will learn to accept herself, and will be on the way to developing self-confidence.

A lack of self-confidence (is not necessarily related to a lack of ability. A lack of confidence is often the result of focusing completely on the unrealistic expectations of others, especially those of friends and parents. The affect of peers can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.

Beliefs That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are positive and some are negative. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and better ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: I always have to be successful at every challenge I undertake. This assumption is unrealistic. In real life, each person has her strengths and her weaknesses. While it's important to learn to do the best that one can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no person knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is unrealistic. All human beings are deficient. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially subject to external influences when you were a very young child, as you grow older, you can gain insight and a new slant on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless based on what happened in the past.

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Grant yourself credit for everything you can do. And give yourself acknowledgment for every new experience that you are willing to experience.

Take risks. Adopt the perspective of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I learn what does not work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can attempt something else.

Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that it's impossible to be an expert at every activity, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself while still improving.

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many NLP and self-hypnosis processes that will instill a tremendous amount of confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to appraise yourself as an individual. Circumvent the constant sense of chaos that comes from relying on what other people think.

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Alan B. Densky, CH is a certified hypnotist and NLP Practitioner. His ecommerce site offers hypnosis CD's for self-confidence. His Self-confidence CD's were tested by Personal-Development info in England. Visit him for Free self hypnosis & NLP newsletters and articles.

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