When the Other Parent is Poisonous

Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.

A. Having the mom in jail is a bit unusual, but this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mom and goes to Dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent.

So what do you do? It is a very difficult situation.

First of all, give up the idea of any kind of therapy; it is not going to help. You, as an adult and parent can do much better.

There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former – the problem parent.

There are several features suggestive of such 'poison'. One is that of being unreliable for visits - promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down again.

It often happens that the other parent either ignores the child or makes him fit into his plans willingly or unwillingly. At the same time he makes tall claims of love and care for the child. This confuses and hurts the child because the actions betray their true feelings, and children are quick to feel that.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.

Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother.

Then, is it surprising that the child returns from such a visit in a foul mood? All children want to be loved and accepted. This kind of treatment undermines their sense of worth and belonging. What is worse is that the parent does not even realize how his/her behavior is harming the child. To add fuel to fire, they claim they care so much for the child when none of their acts support their assertion.

Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom's complaints.

So, how to deal with such a parent? The answer is: be firm and strong but that is easier said than done. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

Start by seeking mediation or legal advice. Deny access to the other parent till the situation becomes clear. This is not to say that getting the courts to agree to this will be easy.

If that option is not likely, then get a clear agreement regarding visits, including the date, time and duration etc. But, the problem is of the other parent not showing up despite the promises.

Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.

It is advisable to maintain a record of such deviations and the harmful effect they have on the child; you will need them in the court.

In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can.

If none of this is improving the situation, you may need to go to even more drastic measures, such as moving to a different town or state, so as to make the visits more impractical. But be very careful how you go about this, as you do not want to put yourself in the wrong. And make VERY sure that it is truly the other parent who is being the poisonous one - and not just you having a bias and prejudice against anything your ex-partner might say or do. I have seen that, too!

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Dr. Noel Swanson offers free expert parenting tips & advice on his website - just sign up for his newsletter and get a free chapter of his book, The GOOD CHILD Guide. You can also meet with other parents on a parenting forum. ~ai602
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