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Tom Attea's Articles

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Come Out With Your Checkbook Open Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill. He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind. Being an old movie buff with smiling m... Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions? While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public from being initially generally regarded as likely ne’er-do-wells to being considered the most readily available font of ins... Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency. Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he de... Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine While The Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as the theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. The Chef, Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution – the availability of foo... Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat. It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last... Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary Hispanic immigrants demonstrated by the thousands about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo. While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality. We looked into the matter and discovered that the word “illegal” is not in the S... Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity Of Seniors In Marathons Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints. As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines. Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were no... Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him. Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera ... Gossip: What People Say About It We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?” We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.” Before we turn to the ... U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end. A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel. The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it ... Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions. At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildly risky, if not outright self-destructive, but also because one does not expect it from people who have decided to present themselves as suc... France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it. As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections. President Bush said, “I just d... Gas Prices Go "Gas-Tronomical!" Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!” President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!” Proud words, perhap...

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